Dear Lindsey,
I miss you. I miss your smile. I miss your smell. I miss your taste. I miss your warmth against me. I miss your silken hair against my skin. I miss your hand resting gently on my leg as we fall asleep.
I miss the way we were together. I miss your laugh, your cry, your happiness, your sadness.
I miss everything about you.
It’s been so long since I’ve been with you, since you left.
But I dream about you every night.
I dream about the first time you came to me.
It seems like only yesterday…
A party at the beach house. We were alone amongst a noisy, drunken crowd. I was sitting on the dock, looking out at the bay. You came to me, your hair fluttering softly in the evening breeze, a drink in your hand. You walked over and sat beside me, saying nothing, but gazing at the water and sharing the moment. The sky was blazing reds and purples as the sun set behind us.
It was beautiful. You were beautiful. I was instantly intoxicated, not from drink, but from the fragrance of roses that surrounded you.
“I never get used to these sunsets,” you said wistfully. “I can’t imagine being anyplace else when the sun goes down. I wish it could be like this all the time.”
“It’s my peaceful place,” I answered.
I felt the heat coming off your body. I drank it in.
It was a warm night, muggy and close. A light sheen of perspiration on your tanned legs glistened in the fading sunlight. You had a glow.
As you leaned lightly against the railing a drip of sweat fell from your arm onto my leg. Secretly I ran my finger over the damp spot and I touched it to my lips. Salty.
Mesmerized by your closeness I felt stirrings my body hadn’t felt in a while. I imagined feeling you lean against me. Your leg brushed mine. Sent a shiver up my back. What to do?
“I’m sorry,” you said. “I didn’t mean to…”
“No, please,” I responded. “It’s all right.”
“I’m not really trying to be forward,” you said. “I’m just totally taken by the night, and just a little bit tipsy.”
“It’s fine. I didn’t take it that way.”
I took it that way.
I turned my head to look at you for the first time. What I saw took my breath away. You were tall, taller than I. Your hair was golden. Your skin was bronze and looked to be as smooth as velvet. Your eyes were azure, the color of the sky on a clear day. And deep, but soft. And then you smiled. When you smiled your whole face lit up. I wanted to touch your face. I wanted to feel your smile.
“You have a beautiful smile,” I said. “It looks like a happy smile.”
“I hide my feelings well,” you said. “I wish I felt as happy as you think I look.”
“I’m sorry,” I replied. “Is there anything I can do?”
“No, not really. But it’s nice to be able to just talk, without feeling like I’m being hit on.”
We talked. For hours. About books. About experiences. About what we believe. About what we love and what we hate. About relationships gone sour. About life. You did most of the talking. I was already falling in love.
Before we knew it, it was midnight.
“You’re really easy to talk to,” you said. “I hope we can be friends.”
“It’s my curse,” I replied. “I’m a listener.”
“I hope we can keep doing this,” you said. “I really feel comfortable talking to you. That’s not an easy thing for me. I’ve been burned.”
“I understand,” I said. “People can be really sucky sometimes.”
“You have no idea,” you said.
“Actually, I do.”
“Listen,” you said. “It’s late, but I’m not really ready to be alone. I’d love to continue this, but would you mind if we went inside? I’m getting chilly.”
I could warm you up, I thought to myself.
“Sure,” I said. “Where can we go?”
“I have a room in this house,” you said. “It’s not much, but it’s quiet when no one else is in the house. We can be alone up there. All the others are still partying.”
Your room was small. Just a dresser, a chair, a bed, and a window — no view, just another window on the house next door, across the driveway.
We sat next to each other on the bed, leaning against the wall. You were silent, a silence that felt like forever.
And then…
You leaned against me, turned your head to me and kissed me. Lightly.
“I’m sorry… I…” you said.
“Sorry? Why?”
“I didn’t mean to…actually I did…you’re so easy to talk to, so…”
“Shh…” I replied. “Don’t.” I kissed you back. A little more urgently.
You turned to me and put your arms around me; I thought I heard you whimper.
“Are you okay?” I asked. “I don’t want you to think I…”
“I’m fine,” you replied. “I don’t know why I did that, but I’m glad I did. I can’t explain it, but I feel really safe with you. Please kiss me again.”
I kissed you again. It was beautiful. Your lips were soft against mine, your hands were on the back of my neck, and you were leaning into the kiss. The tip of your tongue found my lips and gently probed to find its way into my mouth, searching for the tip of mine. It wasn’t urgent, but rather it was tender, communicating feeling more than desire.
I was feeling it too.
I put my arms around you and pulled you close. You did the same.
There was something magical in that moment, something that has stayed with me all this time.
That moment.
Holding you, being held by you, felt like the rightest thing in the world.
You dropped your head onto my shoulder, and gently kissed my neck, alternately kissing and nibbling, your fingers playing lightly across my back.
My whole body was tingling. My head was buzzing. I felt warm all over.
“Are you sure this is where you want this to go?” I asked. “This is all happening very quickly, and I want you to be sure…”
“Please, don’t overthink this. I know what I’m feeling. And I like it. I want it.”
I kissed you again, more urgently this time. You responded with the same urgency, our tongues searching for each other. Your hands found their way under my shirt, and you firmly stroked my back, your fingers playing against my spine, kneading.
I felt my heat rising as I strained against my shorts. My hips shifted slightly as I moved to find a more comfortable position. You sensed that and let your hand drift slowly around to my belly and slipped under the waistband to reach for me. You took me into your hand, resting the palm against me, massaging me slowly and gently.
I lifted the hem of your T-shirt and raised it over your head and tossed it aside, then unhooked your bra, tossing it away. My hand gently cupped your breast and my thumbs found your hardening nipples, tracing small circles around the tips, feeling tiny goosebumps rising on the areolae.
“I want you,” you whispered. “I want you to take me, and I want to take you. Please…”
You turned away from the wall and leaned back, your head resting on the pillow. “Please, make love to me. I want to feel you.”
I eased my shorts down and off, and I tossed away my shirt, then removed yours.
I lowered my head to your abdomen as you lay back on the bed, traced small circles around your belly button, then licked my way through your bush to the soft mound below. My tongue found the lips of your soft crease; I was overwhelmed by the beautiful fragrance of your dampness, my head spinning with electric impulses, my senses on high alert as the feel, the sound, the smell, the taste totally engrossed me. My tongue sought the tiny button hidden between folds of tender skin, and you gasped when they connected. Your hands reached down and held my head firmly against you, you ground your hips against my face as I worked my mouth against your sweet opening.
I laid the tip of one finger aside your inner lips and eased it up and down, from the tip of your clitoris to the bottom of the folds. Up and down, up and down I gently massaged the wet inner surfaces of your pussy, lightly flicking the clit each time I reached it. You moaned softly and your breathing became shorter and shallower.
“Oh yes, that’s it,” you murmured, over and over. “Yes, yes, yes,” your voice said with each stroke of my finger and tongue.
I felt the rising tide of your responses, breaths coming more quickly now, and little moans of pleasure. “Yes, please…please…please…don’t stop…don’t stop…don’t…”
And then you froze. Your body started shaking, and your hips jerked up hard against my mouth. You cried out, “OOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Not a loud cry, but a breathy, forceful one.
“Please,” you implored. “I want you inside me, I want you now.”
I crawled my body up to meet yours and kissed you deeply, mashing my tongue into your mouth, seeking yours, and you wrapped your arms around me, pulling me close.
“Please…” you moaned again. “Please…”
You reached down and took my quivering cock fully into your hand, then laid the tip firmly against your sweet opening, and pushed the head inside. You raised your hips up to meet mine, lifted and spread your legs apart to give me complete access to your soaking slit. You pulled your knees up close to your shoulders, and said “Now! Give me all of you, NOW!”
I pushed inside you, my mound bumping yours, my balls thumping against you, and I groaned with pleasure. I withdrew slightly and plunged in again, and then again and again, your hips rising to meet mine. Our bodies found an amazing rhythm, in and out, up and down, again and again, until I could maintain control no longer. My muscles tensed, I pushed up against the mattress, raising my shoulders to arm’s length, slightly altering the angle of my cock inside of you, and I exploded, filling you with my cum. Again and again my body jerked against yours as my orgasm erupted in spasms of relief and my creamy cum filled you up. Then my body relaxed, I lowered myself gently onto you, then rolled both of us into a side-by-side position, and my softened cock slid out of you. We hugged, and you leaned into me and kissed me again, deeply this time, passionately.
Then you disengaged, pushed me over onto my back, and moved your head down to my soaking middle. You gently took my now flaccid cock into your mouth and licked and sucked, tasting our co-mingled love juices, lapping up as much of it as you could and drinking it in.
“That was beautiful,” you said. “Thank you. I so needed that.”
“I feel like ‘you’re welcome’ is the wrong response,” I said. “What I’m feeling is, that you gave me a gift. I only hope that I am always going to be worthy of your gifts.”
You hummed a gentle response. Then you cuddled up against me, your back against my chest, our legs intertwined, and we fell asleep.
The rest of that summer was magical. We shared our deepest dreams, ambitions, wishes. What we cemented that summer was meant to last the rest of our lives.
That was then. This is now.
I miss you so much that it hurts. I wish things had been different. I was so incredibly stupid. She didn’t mean anything to me; it was just a stupid decision in the heat of a drunken moment. If I could only take it back…
Just know how much I miss you, and that I wish there was some way I could make it up to you. I don’t expect you to ever forget. But if you could only forgive…
I love you,
Hal
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