When I was 17 years old, I was just about to turn 18, my friend told me about her ex girlfriend who was now transitioning to male. I was so intrigued by what I was hearing.
My friend further explained to me how her ex girlfriend had always been a tomboy and feeling more like a boy then a girl. I couldn’t relate more to these feelings and what she was sharing with me.
This conversation changed my life. I was introduced to transgender ideology, the theory of being born in the wrong body and that there was a cure for this called transitioning.
I felt like I had finally found the answer. I felt like finally my whole life made sense. I felt like finally I knew what was wrong with me and why I always had been feeling so different from the other girls.
Being transgender became my truth, my reality, I 100% believed that I was a man. I felt happy finally feeling like I had found my true self and that there now was a way to change my body to match the man I felt like I was on the inside.
I became obsessed with researching #transgender and #femaletomale online. I found women who were transitioning to men and I remember feeling so jealous of their transformations. Jealous of their beards and their flat chests. This now became my biggest dream and my mission.
Seeing all of this validated my feelings of being born in the wrong body even further and I felt even more hate towards my body. I remember crying every night for a week because I knew I was gonna have to suffer waiting for testosterone and surgery.
I 100% believed that transitioning was the solution to end all of my pain and suffering. I believed transitioning was becoming my true authentic self. I believed transitioning was self love and self acceptance. For 9 years this was my truth and I’m not gonna lie and say I wasn’t happy to transition.
I was very happy to transition. I was very happy to get my breasts removed which I had always hated and felt so uncomfortable with. I was very happy to get a beard. To create this new identity and character feeling like I was becoming a handsome man and no longer had to feel like a ugly woman.
Today I understand that the reason why I was so happy to transition wasn’t because I was actually becoming my true self, it wasn’t because I actually was a man at all. Why I was so happy to transition was because I had found a way to run away from myself, run away from the woman I struggled so hard to love and accept. I didn’t have to be and deal with her anymore.
I had found a label (transgender) and the diagnosis “gender dysphoria” to attach my feelings to. But the truth is that my pain was so much deeper than any hormones or surgery could ever heal. Transitioning was nothing but putting bandaids on my wounds, escaping my painful reality of lacking self love and self acceptance for the human form my soul took.
The biggest lesson my soul has learned through this experience is that changing the outside can never heal the pain on the inside. That there was a much deeper root cause of why I felt so disconnected from my womanhood and my female body.
Choosing the path of deep healing helped me discover that there was nothing inherently wrong with me, that it was deep sexual trauma and the gender conditioning by the 3D Matrix system that was the root cause leading me to feel the way I did about myself and my body. Not feeling enough.
I was perfectly created the way I was born and my soul chose the perfect body for me. Nothing has brought me more peace than to have come to acceptance with the way I was born.
And yes, I still grow facial hair and I’m not getting my boobs back. This has taught me the peace that comes with loving myself as my soul and to not be dependent on what my body looks like to be happy. To let my sense of self love come from within because then it can never be taken away from me.
Are you also in the same place?
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By Rada
Transitioning wasn’t self love and self acceptance, it was self rejection and self abandonment
