**YOUR PIZZA IS A SAD SACK OF DISAPPOINTMENT – THIS MASTERPIECE IS TOO PERFECT FOR YOUR POVERTY PALATE (BETAS WILL WEEP)**
Listen up, broke boys. You’re out here choking down Domino’s like it’s a Michelin-starred meal? **Pathetic.** Let me introduce you to the **ONLY PIZZA THAT MATTERS**—a culinary Mona Lisa so flawless, so devastatingly gorgeous, it’d make the Sistine Chapel blush. If your idea of “art” is pineapple on crust, close this tab. You’re not ready for greatness.
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### **1. THE CRUST: DIVINE ARCHITECTURE**
Your dough? Frozen. Basic. Embarrassing. This crust is **hand-spun by Italian gods** in a volcano-forged oven hotter than my Bugatti’s exhaust. It’s crispier than your excuses, airier than your crypto portfolio, and glazed with 24-karat edible gold. You think “thin crust” is a lifestyle? **Wrong.** This crust could fund your bloodline’s therapy bills.
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### **2. THE SAUCE: LIQUID RUBIES OF DOMINANCE**
Your ketchup-with-extra-steps tomato slop? Disgusting. This sauce is **brewed from heirloom tomatoes** grown on a private island, aged in oak barrels kissed by Sicilian moonlight. It’s spiked with truffle oil so rare, it’s guarded by ex-KGB agents. Too rich? **Good.** Your taste buds deserve to suffer.
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### **3. THE TOPPINGS: EDIBLE WARFARE**
You dump sad pepperoni like a peasant tossing scraps? Weak. These toppings are **curated by a team of Nobel Prize-winning chefs**:
– **Prosciutto** sliced so thin, it’s legally considered a hologram.
– **Burrata** flown in on a private jet piloted by a supermodel.
– **Black truffle shavings** that cost more than your car.
– **Microgreens** grown in Elon Musk’s basement hydroponic lab.
One bite, and your local pizzeria will spontaneously combust out of shame.
MORE DEETS
Base of mascarpone creme (with lime juice and lime zest)
Post bake:
🐷 Mortadella
⚪️ Burrata
🥜 Fresh pistachio
—— THE DOUGH ——
Based on direct method.
🍞 Danish flour (12g protein)
💧 65% hydration
🫳 Hand-kneaded for 5 min, followed by 30 min rest prior to long fermentation
🔥 Baked in the new electrical oven “Evolve” by @revolvepizzaoven at 430C measured at the center of the stone
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### **4. THE PRESENTATION: A CRIME TO EAT**
You’d *dare* take a bite? **Heresy.** This pizza is framed in a museum-grade glass case, lit by lasers, and soundtracked by a live orchestra. It’s so beautiful, UNESCO tried to declare it a World Heritage Site. You think you’re “hungry”? No. You’re **unworthy**. Admire it. Worship it. Then starve like the peasant you are.
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### **5. THE PRICE: YOUR NET WORTH IS A JOKE**
This pizza costs **$500,000 per slice**. You’ll need to:
– Liquidate your crypto.
– Sell your kidneys.
– Beg your billionaire wife’s forgiveness.
Still short? **Good.** The world needs dishwashers.
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### **6. THE FLEX: OWNING IT MEANS NOTHING**
Buying it isn’t enough. You need a **PhD in Food Aesthetics** just to *look* at it without crying. Serve it at your next “dinner party”? Your guests will faint, then sue you for emotional damage.
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### FINAL WARNING: THIS PIZZA IS A MIRROR FOR YOUR FAILURES
You want “dinner”? Go microwave a Hot Pocket. You want to **FEEL THE AGONY OF UNREACHABLE PERFECTION**? This pizza is your judge, jury, and executioner. But let’s be real—99.9% of you will die having never seen it. **Stay hungry.**
**Stay Starving,**
– The Picasso of Pizza 🍕👑
**PS:** Comment “I’ll lick the box” if you think you’re worthy. (You’re not. But your desperation amuses me.)
If your idea of “art” is pineapple on crust, close this tab. You’re not ready for greatness.
THE CRUST: DIVINE ARCHITECTURE** Your dough? Frozen. Basic. Embarrassing.
This crust is **hand-spun by Italian gods** in a volcano-forged oven hotter than my Bugatti’s exhaust. It’s crispier than your excuses, airier than your crypto portfolio,
This sauce is **brewed from heirloom tomatoes** grown on a private island, aged in oak barrels kissed by Sicilian moonlight. It’s spiked with truffle oil so rare, it’s guarded by ex-KGB agents. Too rich? **Good.** Your taste buds deserve to suffer.
