**YOU GOT EATEN BY A SHARK? GOOD. YOU PROBABLY DESERVED IT.**
Listen up, losers. You’re scrolling through your feed, shaking in your Crocs, horrified at some clickbait headline about a shark attack. *“Oh no, poor soul!”* you whimper. Pathetic. Let me break it down for you: If a shark eats you, it’s not a tragedy—**it’s Darwinism**. And if you’re crying about it? You’re next.
—
### **1. SHARKS ARE ALPHA PREDATORS. YOU’RE PREY.**
You think Jaws cares about your Instagram followers? Your vegan smoothie? Your participation trophies? **NO.** Sharks are apex killers. They don’t negotiate. They don’t apologize. They *feed*. And if you’re dumb enough to splash around like a wounded seal in their territory, you’re just a buffet item with legs.
This isn’t “bad luck.” This is **natural selection**. The ocean doesn’t care about your feelings. It rewards strength. And you? You’re out here wearing floaties.
—
### **2. THE SHARK DIDN’T “ATTACK” YOU. IT OWNED YOU.**
Stop calling it an “attack.” This isn’t some senseless crime—it’s a **business transaction**. The shark invested years evolving into a perfect killing machine. You invested years eating Cheetos and crying about student loans. When you step into its ocean, you’re accepting the terms: *“Eat or be eaten.”*
You got chomped? Congrats. You paid the idiot tax.
—
### **3. SURVIVORS ARE WEAK. WINNERS DON’T GET BIT.**
Oh, you “survived” a shark bite? Cool story. Let me guess: You’re now a “victim” selling merch and TED Talks about “trauma.” **Weak.** Real winners don’t get bitten. Why? Because they’re too busy DOMINATING.
– They scan the water for fins.
– They smell blood before it’s spilled.
– They carry a f***ing spear gun.
You know who doesn’t get eaten by sharks? Pirates. Navy SEALS. **Top SLAYLEBRITIES.** Because they respect the game. You? You brought a pool noodle to a warzone.
—
### **4. YOUR TEARS FEED THE SHARKS.**
The media’s crying. Your mom’s crying. Even the shark’s crying—from laughter. You know what’s *really* disgusting? The way you peasants turn predators into villains. Sharks aren’t “monsters.” They’re **GOALS**. They’re lean, hungry, and utterly ruthless. Everything you’re not.
Meanwhile, you’re blaming the shark instead of blaming YOURSELF for being slow, soft, and stupid. Newsflash: The ocean doesn’t need safe spaces.
—
### **5. HOW TO NOT GET EATEN BY A SHARK (STEP 1: DON’T BE YOU)**
You want to avoid becoming shark chow? **Stop being prey.**
– Train like a Navy SEAL.
– Swim like you’re being chased (because you are).
– Or better yet—STAY OUT OF THE OCEAN.
The beach isn’t a daycare. It’s Thunderdome. And if you’re not built to fight, stay onshore where you belong, sipping margaritas and pretending you’re “living your best life.”
—
### **BOTTOM LINE: THE SHARK’S NOT THE PROBLEM. YOU ARE.**
The ocean’s been around for 4 billion years. Sharks? 400 million. You? Maybe 40 years if you’re lucky. You’re a guest in their world. Act like it.
Getting eaten isn’t a “tragedy.” It’s a **WAKE-UP CALL**. The universe is telling you to level up or get erased. Your choice.
—
**COMMENT YOUR WEAKNESS BELOW.**
Tell me why I’m wrong. Tell me sharks are “misunderstood.” I’ll be busy wrestling a great white with my bare hands. 🦈💥
**-Top SLAYLEBRITY Survival Guide**
*(Shark emoji, flexed bicep emoji, skull emoji)*
You’re scrolling through your feed, shaking in your Crocs, horrified at some clickbait headline about a shark attack. *’Oh no, poor soul!’* you whimper. Pathetic. Let me break it down for you: If a shark eats you, it’s not a tragedy—**it’s Darwinism*
And if you’re crying about it? You’re next.
SHARKS ARE ALPHA PREDATORS. YOU’RE PREY.**
You think Jaws cares about your Instagram followers? Your vegan smoothie? Your participation trophies? **NO.** Sharks are apex killers.
They don’t negotiate. They don’t apologize. They *feed*.
And if you’re dumb enough to splash around like a wounded seal in their territory, you’re just a buffet item with legs. This isn’t ‘bad luck.’ This is **natural selection**. The ocean doesn’t care about your feelings. It rewards strength. And you? You’re out here wearing floaties.
