**The ABSOLUTE MORON-PROOF Ab Routine That’ll Carve Your Guts Into Steel (Or You’re a Weak, Pathetic Loser)**
Listen up, softbellies. You’ve been scammed. You’ve wasted hours doing crunches like a brainwashed hamster, chugging kale smoothies, and praying to the “fitness gods” for a six-pack. And what do you have? A flabby gut that jiggles when you laugh at your own misery. Pathetic.
Let me drop truth bombs harder than I drop Ferraris in Monaco. Your abs aren’t hiding because of “genetics” or “bad luck.” They’re buried under your excuses, your half-assed effort, and your obsession with taking the EASY ROAD. You want a torso that looks like it’s been chiseled by Zeus himself? Shut your mouth, grab your ego, and do EXACTLY what I say.
**STEP 1: BURN EVERY CRUNCH YOU KNOW (THEY’RE FOR COWARDS)**
Crunches are the participation trophies of ab workouts. You think a Top Slaylebrity wastes time folding himself like a lawn chair for 2% results? NO. You want war-ready abs? Attack them with MOVEMENTS THAT HURT.
– **DEATH BY HANGING LEG RAISES**
Grab a pull-up bar. Hang. Lift your legs to 90 degrees SLOWER than your dad left for milk. Lower them like you’re resisting a tsunami. If you’re not shaking like a methhead by rep 8, you’re a disgrace. Do 4 sets. Cry if you need to.
– **PLANK LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT (BECAUSE IT DOES)**
Planks are for losers? Wrong. LOSERS QUIT EARLY. Set a timer. Go 60 seconds. Now add 20-pound plates on your back. Still easy? Add another. Collapse, and I’ll laugh while you rethink your existence.
– **RUSSIAN TWISTS WITH A BULLETPROOF MIND**
Sit. Lean back. Hold a 45lb plate. Twist like you’re dodging haters’ bullets. 20 twists each side. No rest. Your obliques should scream louder than your ex when you upgraded.
**STEP 2: STARVE YOUR FAT (OR STAY A HIDDEN CHAMPION)**
Abs are forged in the KITCHEN, not the gym. You’re eating “healthy”? Cool story. Your “protein bar” is candy in a trench coat. Here’s the diet that separates MEN FROM BOYS:
– **EAT LIKE A PREDATOR**: Meat, eggs, greens. Period. Carbs are for peasants after leg day.
– **DROWN YOUR WEAKNESS**: Water. Black coffee. Nothing sweet. Sugar is for toddlers and failures.
– **FAST LIKE YOU MEAN IT**: 16 hours a day. Hunger is fear leaving your body.
**STEP 3: MENTAL WARFARE (YOUR MIND IS YOUR ONLY ENEMY)**
You’ll quit. You’ll cheat. You’ll blame the world. That’s why 97% of you are MEDIOCRE. Abs aren’t just muscle—they’re a MINDSET. Every rep is a middle finger to your doubters. Every meal is a test of your hunger for greatness. You think I got this body by whimpering? NO. I outworked every loser in the room while they scrolled TikTok.
**LAST WARNING**
This isn’t a “routine.” It’s a RECKONING. You’ll do it daily. No rest. No mercy. Or crawl back to your sad little life of anonymity. Your choice.
Tick tock, cupcake. The world doesn’t wait for weaklings. Get. It. Done.
*-Slay Fitness concierge *
*(You’re welcome.)*
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You’ve wasted hours doing crunches like a brainwashed hamster, chugging kale smoothies, and praying to the ‘fitness gods’ for a six-pack. And what do you have? A flabby gut that jiggles when you laugh at your own misery. Pathetic
Your abs aren’t hiding because of ‘genetics’ or ‘bad luck.’ They’re buried under your excuses, your half-assed effort, and your obsession with taking the EASY ROAD
You want a torso that looks like it’s been chiseled by Zeus himself? Shut your mouth, grab your ego, and do EXACTLY what I say
STEP 1: BURN EVERY CRUNCH YOU KNOW (THEY’RE FOR COWARDS)
Crunches are the participation trophies of ab workouts. You think a Top Slaylebrity wastes time folding himself like a lawn chair for 2% results? NO
This isn’t a ‘routine.’ It’s a RECKONING. You’ll do it daily. No rest. No mercy. Or crawl back to your sad little life of anonymity. Your choice
Every rep is a middle finger to your doubters. Every meal is a test of your hunger for greatness. You think I got this body by whimpering? NO. I outworked every loser in the room while they scrolled TikTok
Tick tock, cupcake. The world doesn’t wait for weaklings. Get. It. Done
