**HOW TO EAT CAVIAR LIKE A BILLIONAIRE (OR STAY A BROKE PEASANT)**
Listen up, champ. You want to flex like the 1%? You want to *dominate* luxury instead of licking crumbs off Instagram influencers’ plates? Caviar isn’t just fish eggs—it’s a **POWER MOVE**. A declaration that you’ve transcended the weak, coupon-clipping masses. But most of you? You’re out here eating it like a Walmart sample. Disgusting.
Let me school you on how **REAL TOP SLAYLEBRITY’s** handle caviar. Pay attention, or crawl back to your ramen.
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### **STEP 1: STOP BUYING GARBAGE. YOU’RE NOT A DOLPHIN.**
You think caviar comes in a jar with a cartoon fish on it? **WRONG.** Billionaires don’t eat “supermarket sushi.” We eat *BELUGA*. *OSCIETRA*. *KALUGA*. The rarest, darkest eggs that cost more per spoon than your Honda Civic. If it’s not from the Caspian Sea and doesn’t require a mortgage to afford, **THROW IT OUT**.
This isn’t a snack—it’s a **STATEMENT**. You want peasants to know you’re untouchable? Walk into Nobu with a 2kg tin of Almas caviar ($34,000, by the way) and tell the waiter to “use it as dip for the edamame.” Watch them **SEETHE**.
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### **STEP 2: METAL SPOONS? YOU MIGHT AS WELL LICK A BATTERY.**
Real ones know: **MOTHER-OF-PEARL SPOON OR NOTHING**. Metal ruins the flavor. It’s like chugging Dom Pérignon from a sippy cup—pathetic. You think I’m joking? Ask the Russian oligarchs sipping vodka in their gold-plated submarines. They’ll laugh you out of the Arctic.
And no, you don’t “scoop” caviar. You **LOATHE IT GENTLY**. Treat it like your ego—handle with arrogance, but don’t crush it.
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### **STEP 3: ACCOMPANIMENTS ARE FOR THE WEAK. BUT IF YOU MUST…**
Blinis? Crème fraîche? Chopped onions? **BORING**. Billionaires don’t dilute power plays with carbs. But if you insist on accessories, here’s the rule:
– **Champagne**: Not that sugary Prosecco trash. We’re talking *Cristal* or *Krug Clos d’Ambonnay*. The kind that costs more than your rent.
– **Pure Gold Flakes**: Sprinkle them on top. If your caviar doesn’t glow like a dragon’s hoard, you’ve failed.
– **Silence**: Turn off your phone. Peasant chatter ruins the vibe.
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### **STEP 4: ETIQUETTE? NO. **DOMINANCE.**
Forget “small bites.” Billionaires don’t nibble. Take a heaping spoonful, stare directly into your enemy’s soul, and say, **“THIS IS WHAT WINNING TASTES LIKE.”**
And never—**EVER**—apologize for eating caviar at 3am in your Lambo. Weak people call it “extra.” Winners call it **Tuesday**.
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### **STEP 5: THE MINDSET OF A CAVIAR KING**
You think this is about food? **WRONG.** It’s about **OWNING YOUR GOD STATUS**. Caviar isn’t eaten—it’s *consumed*, like the dreams of your haters. Every egg is a reminder: You’re not here to fit in. You’re here to **BUY THE FISH**, the sea, and the chef.
When you eat caviar, you’re not a man. You’re a **FORCE OF NATURE**. A hurricane in a tailored suit.
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### **BOTTOM LINE**
If you’re still eating caviar with crackers, you’re a **CLOWN**. A JOKE. A WASTE OF OXYGEN. The difference between you and a billionaire isn’t money—it’s **AUDACITY**. Either upgrade your life or stay a peasant chewing on fish bait.
**YOUR MOVE, CHAMP.**
– Top SLAYLEBRITY
**P.S. Share this before some vegan tries to replace caviar with quinoa. 💎🥂🤑**
Pay attention, or crawl back to your ramen.
You think caviar comes in a jar with a cartoon fish on it? **WRONG.** Billionaires don’t eat “supermarket sushi.” We eat *BELUGA*. *OSCIETRA*. *KALUGA*. The rarest, darkest eggs that cost more per spoon than your Honda Civic. If it’s not from the Caspian Sea and doesn’t require a mortgage to afford, **THROW IT OUT
