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OMG The audience knows when it’s real
Dead Heart Mountain, the critically acclaimed J. Morgan Frond play about love and redemption, is at the end of its six-week run. The performances have been stellar, and everyone is talking about Tonys for the two leads, Marcus Grabber and Tina Halberg. Unfortunately (or fortunately — depending on your point of view), Marcus got into some trouble during their last week of performances.
See, Marcus is a bit of a hothead. He and Tina were dating in real life, and one night after a show, some college kid hit on her. Marcus wasn’t having it, and he decked the guy, breaking his cheekbone and giving him a concussion. Marcus ended up in jail, and Tina broke off their relationship.
This was good news for Barry, Marcus’s understudy. Barry knew the part inside and out and nailed his first performance out of the park. Thing is, over the weeks of watching from the sidelines, he developed quite a crush on Tina, and since he took over the lead role, his feelings have only gotten stronger. This has actually made it harder for him to play the part.
Every night, he struggles to maintain his composure and professionalism while embracing the woman he’s been fantasizing about for two months. With every touch of her hand, with every kiss, he’s terrified she’ll discover his secret longing for her. The awkwardness could ruin everything.
And did I mention there’s a steamy sex scene in the play?
In bed, beneath the orange glow of plastic candles, two vulnerable actors simulate an intense carnal act. They are shielded from view by a thick fleece blanket, but under that, Barry is wearing nothing but cotton boxers, while Tina is in panties and a sheer nightgown. The audience is silent, save for a few stifled coughs, and in the moment, it’s so easy to forget there are people watching.
You can hardly blame poor Barry for getting an erection.
The director records every show for posterity, and in watching the playback, you can see in Tina’s eyes the very moment she feels Barry’s stiff cock against her stomach. A look of sheer terror falls over Barry’s face, and he freezes like a deer in headlights.
For the rest of that show, he avoided eye contact, missed cues, and forgot his lines. It was an utter train wreck, which is a tragedy given how successful the production had been until that point.
But all is not lost. There is still one more performance to turn it all around.

Twenty minutes before curtain, and Barry is in costume, pacing the backstage hallway. Tina approaches cautiously.
“Hey, uh… are you ok?” she asks.
“Yeah, of course,” he answers without looking at her. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“No, it’s just… you seem nervous. More nervous than usual, I mean.”
“No, I’m fine. I mean, yeah, I’ve got a few butterflies, but this is an important show.”
“Hey.” She grabs his arms and stops him from pacing. “It’s ok. What happened last night, I mean. It’s no big deal.”
“Yeah, I know,” he says, once again averting his eyes.
“No, seriously.”
“Yeah. I know. Now, please… I just need a little time to clear my head. I’ll be ready by showtime, I promise.”
“We can run lines together if you want.”
“Thanks, but that’s not really my process.” He goes back to pacing, and she leaves more anxious than she was before.

During their first scene together, Barry is a little rigid. He delivers his lines like a robot, but at least he gets through them. There’s a moment when he has to hold Tina’s hand, and you can see the tension in his shoulders.
But as the play goes on, he begins to loosen up. At one point, Tina has to slap him in the face, and instead of turning away from it to lessen the impact, he leans into it and absorbs the full brunt of the blow. It throws her off, but for Barry, it’s an invigorating jump in an icy river.
From then on, he has the audience eating out of his hand. He’s so good that everyone forgets he’s just the understudy. “Marcus who?” they all collectively say. Meanwhile, at this very moment, poor Marcus is getting his head slammed under a toilet seat by his gargantuan cellmate over at Draco Penitentiary.
And then comes the moment of truth.
The curtain opens at the beginning of act three. Barry and Tina are already under the covers as the lights come up.
“What happened to us?” Tina says, caressing Barry’s cheek. “We used to fuck three times a day. Now, you barely touch me.”
“Life happened,” Barry says.
“Life is always happening,” she says. “Our sexual needs are a part of life, not separate from it.”
“Yeah, well sometimes I’m just tired. I come home from a long day, and I’m…. I’m… I, uh…”
What the audience doesn’t realize is Barry has just discovered that Tina is not wearing panties. She gives him a subtle nod that only he sees before taking his hand and stuffing it between her legs.
“Don’t you think I’m tired, too?” she says. “But I’m also horny. And I don’t think I can ever sleep again unless you fuck me like you used to.”
Barry stares at her blankly, as she is now completely off script. “I don’t know — ”
“Shut up and kiss me,” she says, pulling his face to hers.
They’ve done this kiss dozens of times, yet until now, they’ve never used tongues. As she slips hers into his mouth, his friend beneath the sheets begins to rise again. She climbs on top of him and rubs his cock across her wet pussy lips.
Murmurs erupt from the members of the audience who are familiar with the play. They know something is different.
“Fuck me, Barry!” Tina shouts.
Really different. First of all, he’s supposed to be on top. Secondly, his character’s name is Scott, not Barry.
If only they had X-ray vision, they’d see that his dick is actually inside of her. As she bounces up and down on him, one of her tits pops free from her nighty. Instinctively, Barry grabs onto it, but instead of stuffing it back into her top, he holds on and squeezes.
More oohs and ahhs from the crowd. This theater is known for putting on avant-garde productions. They did that one show where you see Daniel Radcliffe’s dick. Nudity is something they’ve come to expect.
But what’s going on now is a whole new level. And the audience isn’t even getting the full story. Then again, they don’t have to. The passion between Tina and Barry radiates so strongly, that they could be 10 feet apart wearing snowsuits and you’d still feel it.
The bed is shaking now, screeching across the stage. A flimsy end table collapses and a glass candle smashes on the floor, making the stage even darker.
She licks her fingers and starts rubbing her clit. The sound of their colliding hips echoes to the back of the theater. If you are paying attention, you can hear the sloshing of her wetness as it spills out of her.
You also might see the director peeking out from the wings with a look of confusion on his face. This is certainly not how they rehearsed it.
“Your cock is so hard!” Tina shouts.
Not in the script.
“I’m getting ready to cum!” he grunts.
Not in the script.
“Me, too!”
Guess what? Not in the script.
But you can’t deny that it’s working. The audience is completely enthralled.
“Cum for me baby! Fill my pussy with your hot load!”
The two lovers interlock their fingers as they go over the waterfall together.
When the bed finally stops shaking, a long somber silence falls over the crowd as though they’ve just witnessed an exorcism.
“I’ve wanted you for so long,” Barry says, once again speaking for himself and not his character.
“I wish I had known.”
“It’s probably better that you didn’t. That might have been my cheekbone Marcus smashed.”
“Good call,” she laughs.
Those in the audience not privy to the real-life gossip surrounding this show are completely lost, but they’ve given up trying to follow the dialogue anyway. The specific words no longer matter. This is about pure emotion, and primal, animalistic love.
Of course, the play isn’t over yet. There are still three scenes left, and they go by in an anticlimactic blur. Tiny and Barry can’t contain their giddiness even as they stumble through their tragic break-up scene.
After that intense sex scene, the rest of the show doesn’t even make sense. But when that final curtain opens and Tina and Barry walk hand in hand to the end of the stage to take their bow, the crowd explodes with thunderous applause. It’s as if every single member of the audience had been in that bed with them, experiencing the mind-blowing orgasm for themselves.
Isn’t that what good theater is all about?
But sometimes a performance is so good, it exists beyond the stage. When the director goes to check the footage, he finds that his camera has been stolen. Three days later, Dick Hump Mountain appears on Pornhub.
You know a show is successful when they make a porn parody of it. Though, I guess changing the name of the actual performance doesn’t make it a parody. Either way, Barry and Tina are enjoying their new gig — running their Onlyfans page.
It’s basically the same as theater, only without the curtain.