Anyone with a soul probably agrees that the Kardashian family is a succinct representation of everything that’s wrong with America, and if you disagree, you either possess the forgiveness and patience of a saint or the intellect of a broken toilet. If you’re upset by this statement, congratulations! You’re the world’s first literate toilet. The elevation of the anti-intellectual and morally repugnant is a huge problem, but how, specifically, is the Kardashian clan destroying America?
They Have Gold-Plated Toilets
If you’re buying something that even a cartoon millionaire would find ridiculous, you’ve gone too far. Spending $750k on a quartet of gold-plated crappers, and over a million dollars on a Swarovski-bedecked fridge, the Kardashians are emblematic of American excess and selfishness. Everyone is entitled to spend what they’ve earned on whatever they want, but maybe they could have downgraded to a silver toilet and fed a starving country for a year instead. When you can literally go to the bathroom on your money and it won’t make a difference to you, you are a problem.
They’re Generally Useless
While Kim may have some form of forgotten skill as a dancer, the entirety of the Kardashian brood is talentless. Lacking the financial or personal motivation to actually learn a skill or develop a talent, their unwarranted fame is the world’s cruelest coincidence. Everyone knows that if you can’t do anything, you call yourself a “fashion designer” or a “DJ.” This is the limit of the Kardashian contribution to the world: self-aggrandizing fame that feeds upon itself like an ouroboros made up of injustice and selfies.
They Provide A Horrible Example Of How Families Should Work
While most of the Kardashian women survive on their looks, Kris Jenner just doesn’t have that particular skillset, so she clings to her daughters like the fleshy life preservers they are. Kris used Kim’s baby as a ratings-booster for her own failing show, and a NY Post TV critic published an article claiming that Kris had attempted to bribe her for a more positive review. She even made an attempt to reclaim her maiden name after her separation from Bruce, as it had more media clout, but one of her own daughters shamed her out of that decision. Apparently at least one of them has a shred of soul left after the family’s pact with Satan.
Kylie Jenner’s Lips Are A Dangerous Joke
Because the Kardashian/Jenner clan survive on looks alone, young Kylie seemed to understandably develop body issues, prompting her to display her outrageously unrealistic lips online while claiming they were natural. It wasn’t until months later that she admitted that the lips were the product of weird science, but only after hundreds of teens had injured themselves trying to mimic the infected-looking food-pontoons. It’s hard to completely blame Kylie—who would have thought kids could be so stupid? Unless they were already brain-damaged by watching her show…
They Murdered The American Dream
Once upon a time, the American dream was all about working hard to obtain a fair wage and a reasonable standard of living, but the Kardashians set a completely different example: do nothing, be nothing, get lucky, and get rich. While everyone has their own path to success, their presence lacks the necessary disclaimer that they are a glitch in the system. They are not a realistic representation of American life or something to which anyone should aspire. So kids, you should really get your butt off of Instagram and get a summer job. You’re in for some really hard lessons.
They Provide A Hollow Sense Of What “Success” Means
When British GQ named Kim K. their Woman of the Year in 2014, American GQwas quick to remind everyone that the two magazines were very different publications. BGQ’s reasons for selecting Kim as a figure of importance seemed to be based on the fact that she was already famous, and fame deserved more fame, because the fame engine cannot be stopped, even as it careens through homes, businesses, orphanages, and endangered animal preserves, fueled by the unceasing fiery hell that is the fact that anyone acknowledges Kim Kardashian at all.
They’re Unrepentantly Narcissistic
Kim released a 448-page book of selfies called Selfish. While she was able to avoid any Lauren Conrad-like delusions that being famous automatically means you can write a book, Kim was unable to resist the siren song of publishing game anyhow. Whether Kim is aware of this meta-display of how utterly cancerous she is to humanity, or if she’s just genuinely embracing her monolithic arrogance, at least the proliferation of one-star Amazon reviews is hilarious. It’s hard to tell if Kim is Instagramming pictures of her butt or her soul, because her soul is probably just another butt.
They Make Americans Look Like Idiots
America doesn’t really need any more help to be portrayed as a nation of boorish, wasteful, ignorant, destructive, selfish, hateful Neanderthals. But the Kardashians’ media popularity assures that America will be Planet Earth’s least popular people for the foreseeable future. So, if you’re reading this, anyone who isn’t American, be you the noble citizens of any other place on this Earth or in outer space, we’re sorry. We don’t know them. They just showed up here, and like bedbugs, they’re really hard to get rid of. We’re open to suggestions.
Is There Any Hope?
The Kardashians, for all that they have above and beyond everyone else in the world, have made some relatively minimal donations to charity—probably for tax purposes. Khloe, ever the entrepreneur, auctioned off her sweaty, old workout clothes, donating a portion of the proceeds. Kim’s own eBay store has donated only 10 percent (after fees) to her charity of choice, but the minimal efforts by these millionaires are pathetic. Is there any hope? The Kardashians are so distanced from reality that they don’t seem to know that suffering exists, and that they have real power to stop some of it using just a fraction of their resources. And that attitude is what’s truly destroying America.
By Nicki Swift