Guide Price: $20
**YOUR ICE CREAM IS DOG FOOD – PIERRE HERMÉ’S PARISIAN CREAM WILL MELT YOUR POVERTY PALATE (BETAS CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH)”**
Listen up, broke boys. You’re out here licking Walmart cones like it’s a delicacy, slurping melted sugar water from a truck that smells like regret. **Pathetic.** Let me school you on the **ONLY ICE CREAM THAT MATTERS**—Pierre Hermé’s Parisian masterpiece, a frozen symphony so elite, so violently luxurious, it’ll make your tongue file for bankruptcy. If your idea of “dessert” is a drive-thru McFlurry, close this tab. You’re not worthy.
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### **1. THE FLAVORS: YOUR TASTE BUDS ARE UNEMPLOYED**
Your “vanilla”? Basic. Boring. Embarrassing. Pierre Hermé’s flavors are **crafted by French sorcerers** in a lab guarded by ex-Legionnaires. We’re talking rose-petal sorbet infused with liquid diamond dust, black truffle ice cream shaved from glaciers in Monaco, and a salted caramel so rich, it’s taxed as a hedge fund. One lick and your Dollar Tree popsicles will spontaneously combust.
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### **2. THE INGREDIENTS: YOUR GROCERIES ARE TRASH**
You think “organic” means something? **Weak.** This cream comes from cows that graze on Champagne vineyards and get daily massages from Parisian models. The cocoa? Harvested by Aztec warriors under a blood moon. The sugar? Refined in a Swiss vault so secure, even the IRS can’t touch it. Vegan? The chef will laugh you into the Seine.
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### **3. THE PRESENTATION: YOUR BOWL IS A GARBAGE CAN**
You eat ice cream out of a soggy cone? **Disgraceful.** Pierre Hermé’s scoops are served in **edible gold-leaf chalices** forged in Versailles. Each sprinkle is a hand-painted micro-sculpture, and the whipped cream is piped by a robot trained in astrophysics. Your “sundae”? It’s a crime scene in a plastic cup.
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### **4. THE PRICE: YOUR LIFE SAVINGS ARE A JOKE**
This ice cream costs **$20 per spoonful**. You’ll need to:
– Sell your car.
– Sell your soul.
– Sell your ex’s engagement ring.
Still short? **Perfect.** The world needs peasants to scrape gum off my private jet’s tires.
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### **5. THE LOCATION: YOU’LL NEVER STEP FOOT HERE**
Paris? You can’t afford the flight. The shop is hidden in a **19th-century crypt** beneath the Louvre, accessible only via private helicopter or a password whispered in Basque. The bouncer? A 7-foot-tall sommelier who’ll karate-chop you into next week if your shoes cost less than a Tesla.
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### **6. THE FLEX: INSTAGRAM WILL BAN YOU FOR JEALOUSY**
You’d kill to Snapchat this? **Pathetic.** Phones are tossed into a fountain of liquid shame at the door. You’ll leave with one souvenir: a **blockchain-certified tear** shed when you realized you’ll never taste this again. Post it? Your followers will block you out of sheer inadequacy.
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### **FINAL WARNING: THIS ICE CREAM IS A WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION**
You want “sweet”? Go suck a lollipop. You want to **ASCEND TO A REALM WHERE PLEASURE AND PAIN COLLIDE**? Pierre Hermé’s is your reckoning. But let’s be real—99.9% of you will die clutching a coupon for Baskin-Robbins. **Stay hungry. Stay bitter. Stay poor.**
**Stay Starving,**
– The Sultan of Scoops 🍦💎
**PS:** Comment “I’ll lick the spoon” if you think you’re worthy. (You’re not. But your delusion amuses my pet tiger.)**
Guide Price: $20
YOUR ICE CREAM IS DOG FOOD – PIERRE HERMÉ’S PARISIAN CREAM WILL MELT YOUR POVERTY PALATE (BETAS CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH) If your idea of “dessert” is a drive-thru McFlurry, close this tab. You’re not worthy.
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