I’m going to say something that’s probably going to prevent me from ever attending a baby shower again, and that will really piss off my more um, Girly “settled” friends.
But you know what? All of us non girly women think it, so I’m going to freaking say it: Why are we forced to spend gazillions of dollars, attend a cheesy party with not nearly enough booze, “oooh” and “aww” at onesies and play stupid games just because you got pregnant?
Oh god, I’m really throwing myself under the bus here, but this is how I feel (and I know I’m not the only one). You haven’t achieved anything by getting knocked up. Yes, it’s wonderful, it’s a new life, it’s fab and I’m happy for you — but really? All you did was f*ck without a condom. Been there done that, didnt have a party sheesh!

Ahhhh, baby showers. A ritual for many pregnant women.

Get a group of women together, throw in more tiny baby clothes than will ever get worn, a pile of expensive gifts that probably won’t even get used, a cliche blue or pink cake and some tedious games and you’re all sorted for a great time! Hurrah!

Pregnant women don’t need an excess of kitsch consumables, they need practical and meaningful support. Save the pink or blue cakes and decorations, and instead contribute a meal for the freezer. I honestly don’t know any woman who would say no to her friends organising her a postnatal food roster. Maybe organise a massage for her, or pool finances with a few other friends towards the cost of a cleaner for the first month post birth. Instead of spending your money on clothes the baby will only wear for a week or two, drop off a fruit & veg box, instead. Offer to take siblings out for a little while to give her a rest or drop around muffins for postnatal hangry munching.

Another thing: I’m an introvert, and I’m borderline antisocial. I love spending time with my family one on one, I do NOT like big gatherings and find them to be an absolute waste of my precious time. Once in a while I appreciate an intimate wedding or party but not a baby shower. (Or a hatchelorette or a sprinkle, for that matter.)

I hate bachelorette parties: forced fun, women only, the financial cost, etc.

Another thing I hate about baby showers is how stereotypically gendered they are. Why don’t the men have to go to these sordid things?

A low-key lunch with three of closest friends Without the insane expense of a party will do just fine.

Seriously …
I cannot be the only mother who can’t stand these gatherings, surely?.

If you don’t want to be invited to these sordid mama events ever again here is what you need to do

Wear something that shows HOW NOT PREGNANT you are.
It doesn’t matter what your body shape/size is, flaunt the sh*t out of that bod. I’m talking crop tops, bodycon dresses, or just something really wild that a mother-to-be wouldn’t be caught dead in (glitter jumpsuit?).

Also make sure you’re wearing really sexy open-toed shoes. Shoes more than anything will really highlight your non-pregnancy, because we all know pregnant girl got herself some SWOLE feet.
(God, karma is really going to kick my ass for that one. My feet will probably swell so badly when I’m preggo again I won’t be able to walk).

Wear black.
Nothing kills the powder-pink and baby-blue ~mood~ like a woman dressed like a slutty Morticia in head-to-toe BLACK attire.

Talk loudly about your free-wheeling, childless life.
“Oh I’m heading to Bali next week for two months. Maybe three. I just need to take time away from the city to focus on my creative projects, you know?”

Show up buzzed, late and gift-less.
Nothing will make you hated by a group of sorority sisters who have spent 12 hours decorating a stale room in the back of a stale restaurant with little “booties” and pink cupcakes than a scene like this:
Breeze into the room, reeking of champagne and Chanel No. 5 (not good for the bab-ay) an hour late, making a grand entrance in stilettos with a large, fashionable tote bag.
“Oh darlings, I’m so sorry I’m late, traffic was a NIGHTMARE,” you will dramatically lament as if it’s YOU who is under stress. “Sweeties,” you will purr, pointing to one of the sorority girls, “can you get me some champagne, my buzz from brunch WORE off in that lonnnngggg taxi drive.”
“Sure, let me collect your gift first,” Ms. Alpha Beta Whatever will say through gritted teeth.
“Oh! My bad! I’ve had such a STRESSFUL week, me and bae just got back from two weeks in the Hamptons, can you imagine settling back into the city? I TOTALLY FORGOT. I will send a check.”

Announce a really big career achievement.
Today is a day about BABIES. Because nothing in the world is more important than BABIES. Women with BABIES have accomplished more than anyone else, right?
Unless you’re just off major career achievement, in which case this special day, when we are celebrating the pending birth of little baby Tulip (have you noticed the flower name baby trend? I do kind of dig it) is a perfect day to announce that YOU just scored a recurring role on the next season of “Girls,” and will be relocating to LOS ANGELES in a month.
But really the day isn’t about you and your newfound fame, it’s about THE BABY.

Get tossed.
Channel wildly inappropriate single Auntie Grace (there is one in every family). Don’t get blackout drunk (that will make everyone feel better about their lives), just get like lovely buzzed and be really obvious about it and look really fierce and sexy as you knock back the champagne.

Don’t participate in games.
When it’s time to play games, or open presents for that matter, simply don’t participate. I mean, no one can FORCE you. In fact, gather a group of other salacious girls to gossip in the kitchen with you.

Checkout the most outrageous baby shower games below.