**”I PROMISE I’LL BE A PERFECT COFFEE BUDDY FOR YOU”**
*(And Why You Should Demand Nothing Less Than a WARRIOR, Not a Weakling)*
Listen up, broke boys and benchwarmers. You want a “coffee buddy”? Someone to sip pumpkin spice lattes and whine about their pathetic lives? **WRONG.** You’re thinking small. You’re thinking like a SHEEP. The Top Slaylebrities of the world don’t need “buddies” — we need ALLIES. SOLDIERS. MEN WHO MOVE IN SILENCE AND STRIKE LIKE A LAMBORGHINI IN A SCHOOL ZONE.
If you’re out here begging for a “perfect coffee buddy,” you’d better mean a **human cheat code** who turns your caffeine into CASH, your small talk into STRATEGY, and your wasted hours into a WAR PLAN.
Let me school you.
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### **1. YOUR CURRENT “COFFEE BUDDY” IS PROBABLY A LOSER. HERE’S WHY.**
You know that guy you meet at Starbucks who spends 45 minutes crying about his ex, his dead-end job, and how “life’s unfair”? **CUT HIM OFF.** He’s not your buddy — he’s a VIRUS. A energy vampire. A WEAKLING who’ll drag you into his dumpster fire of failure.
The *perfect* coffee buddy doesn’t sip. **HE DOMINATES.** He shows up with a black espresso (sugar is for children), a Rolodex of billion-dollar ideas, and a mindset so sharp it could cut diamond. He doesn’t “chat.” **HE COMMANDS.** He doesn’t “vent.” **HE CONQUERS.**
If your coffee buddy isn’t making you richer, smarter, or hungrier — you’re just two clowns drinking bean water.
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### **2. WHAT A TOP SLAYLEBRITY COFFEE BUDDY LOOKS LIKE (AND IT’S NOT YOUR STARBUCKS BARISTA)**
Let me paint this for you, since your brain’s probably fogged up from TikTok and soy lattes. A **REAL** coffee buddy is:
– **A MISSION-CRITICAL ASSET.** He’s got the connections, the resources, and the unshakable discipline to turn your 10 AM meeting into a 10 PM wire transfer.
– **A TRUTH-TELLING TYRANT.** He’ll look you dead in the eye and say, “Your business plan sucks. Your girl’s cheating. Fix it.” No hugs. No lies. JUST. FACTS.
– **A HUSTLE HYBRID.** While normies are crying about inflation, he’s got three side hustles, a private jet membership, and a Rolex collection that tells time in six different currencies.
This isn’t a “friendship.” **IT’S A WAR PARTNERSHIP.**
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### **3. “I’LL BE A PERFECT COFFEE BUDDY” — THE TOP SLAYLEBRITY OATH**
You want me to be your coffee buddy? **BUCKLE UP, SNOWFLAKE.** Here’s what that means:
– **I’LL DRAG YOU TO GREATNESS.** 6 AM. No excuses. We’re meeting at the gym, then grinding through 27 emails before the first sip of espresso. You’re tired? Sleep faster.
– **I’LL BURN YOUR EXCUSES.** “I can’t,” “It’s hard,” “The economy…” — STFU. The economy’s fine if you’re not a lazy coward. I’ll hand you a shovel and make you dig your way out of loserdom.
– **I’LL MAKE YOU RICH — OR DIE TRYING.** We’re not leaving the table until we’ve plotted your next 6-figure deal. Romance? Family? Save it for the weak. MONEY. POWER. RESPECT. Period.
This is not a negotiation. **IT’S A TAKEOVER.**
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### **4. HOW TO UPGRADE YOUR CIRCLE (OR DIE AVERAGE)**
Step 1: **AUDIT YOUR LIFE.** List everyone you’ve had coffee with this month. How many added value? How many drained you? Cut the latter. Yes, even your cousin. ESPECIALLY your cousin.
Step 2: **DEMAND MORE.** Walk into every interaction like a CEO. Ask: “What can you do for me?” If the answer’s nothing, walk. Fast.
Step 3: **BECOME THE BUDDY OTHERS BEG FOR.** Master your craft. Stack your cash. Build a empire worth a damn. Then — and ONLY then — will you deserve a seat at the table with the elites.
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### **5. THE COLD HARD TRUTH**
95% of people are NPCs. Background noise. They’ll drink coffee, complain, and rot in mediocrity. **YOU BETTER NOT BE ONE OF THEM.**
The world isn’t fair. It’s not kind. It’s a gladiator arena, and your “coffee buddy” is either your shield-brother or the guy who stabs you in the back for the last sip of almond milk.
So choose wisely.
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**FINAL WARNING:** If you’re not building empires by sunrise, you’re already behind. The perfect coffee buddy isn’t a therapist. **HE’S A GENERAL.** And generals don’t sip — THEY ATTACK.
Now put down the latte. Grab your phone. And start dialing only numbers that matter.
**- VICTORIA ASHFORD**
*(You’re either a king or a jester. Pick fast.)*
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**P.S.** If this triggered you, good. Stay triggered. Winners are too busy winning to care.
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If you’re out here begging for a “perfect coffee buddy,” you’d better mean a **human cheat code** who turns your caffeine into CASH, your small talk into STRATEGY, and your wasted hours into a WAR PLAN
Let me school you. ###YOUR CURRENT “COFFEE BUDDY” IS PROBABLY A LOSER. HERE’S WHY.**
You know that guy you meet at Starbucks who spends 45 minutes crying about his ex, his dead-end job, and how “life’s unfair”? **CUT HIM OFF.** He’s not your buddy — he’s a VIRUS. A energy vampire. A WEAKLING who’ll drag you into his dumpster fire of failure
If your coffee buddy isn’t making you richer, smarter, or hungrier — you’re just two clowns drinking bean water. Walk into every interaction like a CEO. Ask: “What can you do for me?” If the answer’s nothing, walk. Fast.
